What it Fears
by DeathLang24
Summary: Lupin is sent on Order business to help counsel someone, only he isn’t in the mood for helping out people much anymore, and he has a lot of other things on his mind. Book Five Spoilers.
1. Chapter One

Spoiler Notes: This is after book five so expect spoilers from it.  
  
Summary: Lupin is sent on Order business to help counsel someone, only he isn't in the mood for helping out people much anymore, and he has a lot of other things on his mind.  
  
Relationship notes: There are no relationships in this fic. PALEAZE. I'm not doing that this time around, this is humor. Bad humor, but humor.  
  
Disclaimer: The most important part. I do not own any of the characters/settings written in the fic and I do not profit from it in anyway. The joy of writing is my payment. ^^  
  
Author's notes: moved to the bottom, because it gives away to much of the plot thinge'.  
  
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What it Fears  
  
Remus Lupin sat by the window in the empty classroom. Everything about his old classroom made him cringe. It seemed to be stripped of its former glory, it's more dangerous edge. It seemed like a muggle classroom.  
That's right, he was stuck in a muggle classroom, for what? Order business. He was particularly in the mood for Order business, but it was the only business he had anyway. He didn't quite believe it when Dumbledore said he was the only one in the order cut-out for the job either. He barely knew what he was supposed to do.  
No he did, he was supposed to council someone on their phobia. How fun. It was rather coincidental that right after that Mrs. Weasley had a run in with yet another boggart and he was sent up to comfort her. That seemed to have officially sealed his fate for the day. Where was Arthur when he wife was in trouble? No, that wasn't a nice thing to think about. It was nice helping people, but it got a bit repetitive after awhile.  
By the time he heard footsteps he was already contemplating what he would do by the time he got out of the place. Go write that letter to Harry, he should have done that the morning before, simple slipped his mind. Yes, that was his other o' so important job, writing to Harry. Once again for psychological reasons.  
"You're the only one who can relate with him." That's what Tonks had said, through sobs. It was funny how everyone seemed to think that he was 'the only one' to do anything. No, not funny, quite annoying.  
"Professor Lupin? She'll be a moment, she's having a bit of trouble, mentally, right now." Lupin couldn't help but notice how hard Madam Pomfrey was trying to suppress a smile. Nice lady, really.  
Madam Pomfrey left and Lupin was alone again, trapped in the silence of the empty classroom. The werewolf quickly began thinking of who he could possibly be 'helping'. Worst-case scenario, Snape, dealing with the loss of his bully; oh how joyous. Best case.? Maybe Flitwick, trying to cope with his height problem. No, that wasn't very nice either.  
"I assure you, I'm not doing anything harmful. Nothing intentional either. It's a could thing your getting this counseling, or else you might be paranoid like this for the rest of your life." Lupin strained to listen. His patient was coming, oh joy. Someone was making clopping sounds, how annoying.  
"Here you go Dolores. You're very own psychiatrist. Special for today, free of charge." McGonagall chirped, opening the door. "Wait here." the prim professor shut the door before Lupin could see who it was, not like he was trying to or anything. McGonagall walked briskly across the classroom towards Lupin, looking rather cheery, especially for her. "It's nice to see you Remus." She said holding out her hand. Lupin sat up and shook it. Best put on the cheery act as well, here it goes.  
"Nice to see you as well Professor." He said with a smile.  
"I trust you know why you're here, or at least some of it?" McGonagall asked, bouncing a bit on the balls of her feet. The move reminded Lupin of Dumbledore. Whatever was coming up it was good enough to amuse McGonagall. Must have been really good.  
"I'm here to counsel someone."  
"Ah yes, and I've come to tell you about what. You see. one of our.let's say previous, because their most certainly not coming back next year, teacher's has a phobia about well." McGonagall cleared her through and leaned forward. "Half-breads."  
Lupin felt like rolling his eyes. He didn't much care for the term 'half-bread' but there wasn't really much else to call them. Half-human didn't sound very kindly, nor did half-beast. Oh, charming, he had to add that last one to his list of possible insults.  
Lupin nodded, putting on his most understanding expression.  
"Now before you rush off when she comes in." Lupin chuckled, but it sounded rather harsh to be a chuckle. "Or tell her that you are indeed a werewolf, I need you to understand that this is a counseling. Help her. err... embrace her problem."  
"Not embrace me I hope." Lupin blabbed. Charming, he would be such a great shrink.  
McGonagall laughed this time. "No, I don't think you'll get that far. Just refrain from naming yourself, or at least hold that till the end, alright?"  
"Sounds rather devious to me." Lupin said thoughtfully.  
McGonagall laughed again. "I suppose it is." She said with a thin smile. Lupin looked at her questionably, but she didn't seem to notice, as she was already at the door. "You can come in now Dolores!" she called in a semi-sing-song voice.  
Dolores, what professor has that name.?  
Oh look it's a frog. No wait, that's your patient you idiot.  
Lupin stared, rather shocked. Dolores Umbridge, mizz high official herself. How.coincidental this seemed to be. Before he knew he Lupin was already set in the polite act, standing up to shake the fro- woman's hand. "Dolores Umbridge, a pleasure to meet you." He said holding his hand out. Be nice, he had to keep telling himself. No picking on the mentally damaged ones, it's not right, or is it.?  
Umbridge paused and looked him over. Well, if he was going to be inspected before true impressions were made this meeting wasn't going to go well at all. "I'm sure." She said shaking his hand lightly, then pulling away.  
"Sorry, my hands are rather rough." Lupin said holding them up sheepishly. That was true, and it wasn't too obvious. He had been stuck with cleaning duties for the past few weeks. Mrs. Weasley said it would prevent him from trying to do something stupid, like hanging himself. Or seeking out old friends. Or stabbing himself with anything silver. How charming.  
"And you are.?" the frog woman asked mildly, still observing the dreadful state of his robes.  
Lupin decided to pull out a true sap shrink card, fast. "That doesn't matter Dolores, may I call you Dolores? What matters is, who are you?" Lupin mentally swore by Merlin's wand that he would never utter those words ever again, unless he was joking, or he absolutely had to. He could have come up with something far better then that. That was just corny.  
But the frog seemed to have taken it in as something a shrink would say. How interesting. "Well, I suppose." she said sitting down. "We could start there."  
Lupin looked up at the ceiling, trying concentrate hard on not bursting out in laughter. He tried to remember what those counselors that Tonks listened to on the radio always said. Or the one's he had to go to, but he supposed that those weren't of much use in this case. "What triggered your fear of-"  
"Half-breads?" Wow. Feel like being discreet today, do we?  
"Let's think of a nicer way to put it." Lupin said slowly. What was the nicer way to put it? Wasn't he trying to think of a way earlier? "Like halflings." Oh this was getting terrible. He was calling himself a halfling. Wasn't that a hobbit? Like she'd know, moving on!  
"A-alright."  
"So. is there anything you can remember that might have started your fear of halflings?" If he had to say that one more time.  
"I suppose it was my childhood really." Now he was going to have to hear a life story, please, by Merlin, make it quick. "I lived by the Forbidden Forest, you see, and we had a lot of encounters with. halfings." she said with slight disdain.  
No surprises there, it seemed like it would be a likely root. Now he was waiting for a chase. Something like his own when he was bitten, only she obviously wasn't bitten by a werewolf. "I see." On the other hand he could have gone into self-hatred. Wasn't that like what Voldemort did? How nice, comparing himself to the dark-wizard who killed one of his best friends. "I understand completely, I lived by the forest myself when I was a child-" before I got bitten. "-And there was many frightening stories drilled into our heads about halflings." He couldn't believe he managed to say that again without snorting.  
"Yes there were many strange tales about those werewolf's." Hi, my name is Remus Lupin, and I'm a werewolf. "But what really frightened me was when my cousin was.half-eaten by one." Oh? So was it the upper half, or the lower half, because I always find the upper half to be more tasty. "He survived." That answers my question, lower half it was. "But after that he changed." Into a werewolf, yes that sort of thing happens. "Didn't come out in public anymore." Can't imagine why. "Didn't like to see us as much." I wouldn't want to see you period. "And after that my family started to really understand how terrible those things were." Why thank you. "And I suppose that's the root of it."  
It sounded to Lupin like she could have easily cured herself if she tried, but that wasn't on her to-do list. No, torturing Harry and bashing down Hogwarts professors was number one on the scroll for this woman. Mental health comes next, thank you very much. "Well. That sounds very traumatizing." Would you like to see my scar? I know it's not much compared to your cousin's, but it's in the shape of a nice crescent moon, oh the coincidences! "But why would you hate all halflings because of this? This can't be the only reason." Lupin didn't really care if it was the only reason or not, in fact he'd rather it was. But he was there to help, and the nicety mode of him was taking over the job.  
"No.I think there was another incident. With centaurs." Oh damn, now he didn't have to hear insults about himself, what a shame. "When I was five I was wandering around in the forest collecting flowers." Haven't you heard the tale of Persephone and the persimmons? "When this shadow came over me." Scary.whoooo. "It was a male, and he was holding this dreadful looking spear. It was all bloody, and he had the most ravaged look on his face." Lupin placed his hand on her shoulders sympathetically, though he was really fighting the urge to just lean on her for support while he went into fits of laughter. "He told me to get out, that I was being terrible for ruining nature." And he was right! Filthy human! "Then he chased me out." Just leading her out no doubt. "And told me to never take away from nature again." This woman was the stupidest.  
"There there, it's alright." Lupin said, sitting back on one of the desks again and handing her his handkerchief. He prayed she wouldn't give it back to him, especially after she blew her nose. But she did. And Lupin scored when he threw it in the basket, it's soggy contents scattering over the room. Filch will take care of that, nasty caretaker.  
There was a knock at the door. Lupin got up to get it since the frog didn't feel she was in the state to move. "Times up for today Lupin, you've got more business." McGonagall said briskly. "Sorry, Dolores." She said in the most sympathetic tone she could muster.  
Umbridge was instantly composed and snappish once more. It was a miracle what Lupin's handkerchiefs could do to a person's emotional conditions. "That's quite alright Minerva. Same time next week Mr.?"  
"Right, next week." Lupin said with a cheery smile. He hoped by then he could find someone else to do it for him.  
  
End Note: Hmm. Not sure if I can continue this one. I don't think I have enough humor in me right now. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review, I hardly get any and it's nice to see what you think of it, even if you think it's absolute crap.  
  
Author's Notes: I wanted to do a fic with Lupin meeting with Umbridge because she deserves to be shaken up a bit, evil toad. I also wanted to add Firenze [sp?] but maybe I should add that later. If there is a later that is. 


	2. Chapter Two

Spoiler Notes: This is after book five so expect spoilers from it.  
  
Relationship notes: There are no relationships in this fic. PALEAZE. I'm not doing that this time around, this is humor. Bad humor, but humor.  
  
Disclaimer: The most important part. I do not own any of the characters/settings written in the fic and I do not profit from it in anyway. The joy of writing is my payment. ^^  
  
Author's notes: Wow. I got a review. That's about my third review here ever. I'm so happy. ^^ No really, I am, this isn't the sarcasm speaking. It's the happy. Thank you. So now that I have this new burst of motivation I've decided to continue this fic. A) because I got a review B) because the other fic I'm working on has it's fifth chapter at home on my computer, instead of here. Where I am. Anyhow, enjoy.  
  
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What it Fears 2  
  
One whole week of cleaning and scouting for half-bread psychologists later Lupin sat in his old classroom again, accompanied by a mixture of dread and immense boredom. He was happy to see that the old and beautiful dragon skeleton had been fixed back into it's proper place, and an empty tank was sitting on one of the shelves. It was a small improvement, but it was big enough to take away the feeling of a study hall.   
  
After about ten minutes of waiting he started an attempt at thinking up better names for half-breads, since he failed so miserably at it at his last little go at psychology. Let's see... he already covered half-human/beast, and halfling was just far to ridiculous to say anymore. There was the idea of just referring to half-breads as 'them' but that was a last resort idea thus far...   
  
Footsteps, whistling, and that clopping sound again, who was doing that? Most likely Peeves, what an annoyance. Lupin was about ready to get up when he noticed the scent of the air had changed. It was sweet, sickeningly sweet, and he because of his strong sense of smell it nearly blew him off his feet.  
  
After he caught his breath again he decided breathing through his mouth was the only option, that and hoping it wasn't the frog wearing that terribly strong perfume.   
  
McGonagall came in first. Lupin could tell she was amused again, she was suppressing it well though.   
  
"Remus. Today you are getting paid by the hour so take up as much time as you like. Though Dumbledore has requested you visit Hagrid before sunset, he says he needs help with the centaur negotiations."   
  
Lupin nodded knowingly. He'd rather be in the forest being hunted down by angry centaurs then sitting there of course, but at least now he was getting something out of it besides the need to drink fire whiskey. "Alright Dolores, you can come in now." McGonagall called, walking out of the room as Umbridge walked in.   
  
Lupin choked. It was now quite obvious where the dreaded perfume was coming from. Umbridge had obviously tried to look like some sort of poisonous pink toad today. Everything she wore was pink, including her crusty make-up and pink bow. She also had a glazed look in her eyes, like she had been shot with a muggle tranquilizer; something which had happened quite often during Lupin's full moon run ins with the non-magic sort.   
  
"Hello again." Lupin said, his voice sounding off and congested because he was holding his nose. "Sorry, I have a bit of a runny nose today. Please, sit down."   
  
The frog assumed a seat at the front of the classroom. Lupin thought it odd how she seemed to be staring at him. Very odd indeed. "So...Dolores. Where did we leave off last time?"   
  
"My experience with centaurs." she answered blankly.   
  
"Ah. That's right." That little bit with you picking posies, I remember now. "So! Do you believe sharing this traumatizing moment has helped any with you fear of halflings?" Lupin covered his mouth and faked a sneeze as he tried to hide his grin.   
  
"In a way." When he looked up again she was still staring at him.   
  
Lupin sat down on the desk and nodded. "Good, good..." Inside he wanted to puke, he could still smell the perfume even with his nose held, though only faintly. "Do you suppose it would help if we discussed further halfing encounters?" Lupin untentionally snorted, but was happy to find because of his nose it sounded like a sneeze.   
  
Umbridge to a break from ogling at him and blinked. Lupin was beginning to become very uncomfortable sitting on the desk so he got up and traveled over by the tank to click the glass with his fingernail.   
  
"Yes, yes I think it would." Umbridge said quickly. Great, more memories from the half-bread hater.  
  
Lupin smiled and nodded. "Alright then... We've already spoke about Werewolf's, and Centaurs, is there any other halfling classification you'd like to cover?"   
  
"Mermaids." Didn't you want to tag them at one time? Like pigeons?   
  
"Alright, go on ahead." And so it began, the frog's long drawn out little story on the mermaids that attacked her, or what sounded like saved her, at the ocean. Lupin completely blocked off her actual words after five minutes, coming back to reality every two minutes or so to nod or ask about 'how she felt' at the moment in the story. After a half hour of talking Umbridge stopped and stared at him once more with a look of expectancy. Lupin, who was in his own world now, was staring off at in a dreamy sort of state, only to be tugged out by a small 'hem hem' from Umbridge's direction. Lupin jumped a bit and then smiled as kindly as he could.   
  
"Ah. Yes... I think that you need to look over the situation again sometimes, try to look at the merman in a slightly different light, or try to see the story from his point of view." Lupin wondered how he knew what she was talking about in the first place, but was happy that she seemed to take in the information without any suspicion.   
  
"Yes, yes... I understand." Umbridge said, nodding quickly, her many chins jiggling. Lupin suddenly had the most immense feeling of foreboding lurking at the back of his mind, but he couldn't figure out why.   
  
"I think to cure yourself from this phobia you need to better understand your fears." What was he talking about? Those radio station psychiatrists must have drilled something into his mind; either that or the perfume was making him act like a real shrink would. "Let's see...we should discuss on particular species for the rest of our time. How's that? That way we can cover all the reasons you fear it."   
  
Umbridge nodded. Lupin felt the urge to swing forward and stop the hypnotizing jangle of her chins. Too late, they had already completely captured his attention. Hypnotizing chins... what a pleasant idea. What next? Predictions made from hair? Or did they already have that? He'd have to ask Sibyl later... However long this chin hypnotism was going to take. Well, there was one use from being obese; you can hypnotize people with your chins. And Molly had said eating too much chocolate and fatty cakes wasn't good for you, lot she knows.  
  
"Hem hem." Lupin jolted out of his hypnotized state and drew a quick breath. The smell was overwhelming. The sickeningly sweet perfume hit his mind a second after he breath in. Everything was turning pink, so horribly pink... Wretched wretched pink.   
  
Lupin felt like he was loosing his mind, or loosing it to the other him. Yes, the one that would have gladly killed the frog on the spot, and then rush off to kill whom ever else might be occupying the castle... Sounds like fun.   
  
No wait, no that doesn't sound like fun. Not after you get sentenced to a lifetime in Azkaban. That would be two Marauders that went to that place for more then just a visit, three if you counted the Marauder that needed to go to Azkaban.   
  
Why was he thinking about Azkaban? Wasn't he doing something? Something to do with Pink Frog Sweets. Perhaps it was a new form of Chocolate Frogs, Merlin, he could use one of those right now, cure that headache that was pounding in his head at least.   
  
Quite suddenly Lupin felt the cold classroom floor slam against his forehead, but when he looked up he wasn't in the classroom at all. He paused and stared as he watched his two dead best-friends dance around a spit half naked, and he was so happy it was the upper half that was naked, not the lower. What was on the spit...? A huge rat. Where did they get that from? Mutated from the muggle sewers perhaps? Or enlarged by a misguided, or intended, enlargement spell?   
  
Lupin got up and began walked towards them. They were chanting, how stupid, yet very like them. if only he could chant with them...   
  
"You! Again!" Lupin stopped and turned around to look at cloud that very closely resembled Madam Pomfrey.   
  
"What're you doing up there?" Lupin called. As much sense as it was to go strip off his shirt and dance with his dead friends around a gigantic roasting rat Madam Pomfrey's head in the sky just didn't belong at all.   
  
"Oh my, the poor man's delusional... Well Minerva, let me tell you, this wouldn't be the first time this has happened..." The cloud tutted.   
  
Lupin felt something cold slap his head but nothing was there. "What are you doing in the sky?" Lupin's voice sounded slightly slurred, but that wasn't what he was concerned with at the moment. That sounded like the stupidest question in the world right now. He could answer that, easily. Madam Pomfrey was in the sky because she evaporated. Yes, that was it. That made sense, time to go join Padfoot and Prongs now...   
  
"-and then Mr. Black comes skipping in dragging him by the ear and saying he's talking about monkey's in his dorm!" The cloud exclaimed.   
  
Lupin kept walking, but he couldn't get away from her nagging voice. He wanted her to shut up, so he could get over there and eat the rat.   
  
"Poppy, there were monkey's in their dorm. That was Mr. Potter's work."   
  
Lupin paused and scratched his head. "Who's Mr. Potter?" he asked with a raised brow. Something went into his arm, it was sharp, it hurt. "Ouch! Who did that?" Another cold thing lashed across his cheek and the happy little dream world started to fade away.   
  
Madam Pomfrey had slapped him.   
  
"That's what you get for acting completely mental." Madam Pomfrey chimed as she slammed a drink down on the floating tray by his bed. "Now drink it! And got to sleep!"   
  
"It's dark here, where's the roasting rat?" Lupin asked quizzically. Something stopped him from asking any further questions, and suddenly it hit him that there were no roasting rats at all, no dancing dead best friends, and Madam Pomfrey evaporating no longer had anything to do with her becoming a cloud.   
  
McGonagall was at his bed, and it looked like she had either been shrieking at the top of her lungs, or laughing her tight little bun off. Madam Pomfrey was bustling around him, taking his temperature, looking in his ears, and inspecting his tongue. "Roasted Rat? You have quite the imagination Remus."   
  
Lupin slowly started to recall where he was before he went off to visit the land of the pink. He was in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, being a nice little shrink for Dolores Umbridge, who had phobia of half-breads. Just thinking about it made him burst out into laughter, and earned him two worried glances from the professor and the nurse. Everything was funny now, the so called halflings, the flower picking girl that was chased out of the woods by a centaur, the lifesaver mermaids, the half eaten werewolves, and the odd black curtain waving in his face...   
  
Lupin stopped abruptly. No, that wasn't funny at all.   
  
"Remus, would you like me to explain to you what we believe happened in that classroom a few hours ago?" McGonagall asked with a concerned tone. "Or should I send you to headquarters so you can have a rest?" No, not headquarters, not now. Molly would be all over him fussing over everything, possibly even concerned for his life. He didn't need that.   
  
"I'll have you explain it to me." Lupin said rather quickly.   
  
McGonagall nodded slowly, a bit speechless for a moment, but that faded quickly. "You are aware that your senses are a bit stronger then...human's are." Lupin nodded. Of course he knew that! That's why he was so useful. James and Sirius used to brag about how he could here a leaf crunch a mile away. That was a long time ago though... "Well... Umbridge was wearing an unusually strong perfume and Madam Pomfrey thinks that the smell quite literally knocked you out."   
  
Lupin would have been laughing if it wasn't him who was knocked out. How unbearably sad.  
  
End Note: Okay, I definitely do not like this chapter as much as I did the first. It seems a bit random and pointless. I'll fix this sooner or later. 


End file.
